Sacrifices.

Sometimes I forget just how comforting God's word can be. And it's so wonderful when I decide to pick up my bible and read how at peace I end up feeling. Over the summer, I tried to read every single day. I wouldn't put my head down on my pillow until I felt that I had spent enough time with God. But since school started, and I picked up a second job, God, unfortunately, has taken a back seat. I know, I know. It's awful. God should ALWAYS be in the DRIVER'S seat. I should always be willing to give something up for God. He made the ULTIMATE sacrifice for me, and the least I can do is give up something in my day and spend a little time with Him.

I had coffee with a new friend today and I explained all of this to her. How I knew there was something in my life I needed to give up to make time for the Lord. She told me how once upon a time (not sure if she still does this) she'd want to update her Facebook status but instead, she'd read before she'd let herself get on Facebook. I'm sure all of you know (or maybe you don't, and if you don't props go to you!) how addicting and time-consuming Facebook can be. I'll find myself saying I'm just going to check it really quick, update my status, see who's online, look at pictures, etc. And before I know it, it's a few hours later and I've wasted all this time doing pretty much nothing.

I desire so strongly to do the same thing with my reading and praying and worship. To get so lost in God that before I know it, hours have passed. So giving up Facebook is something I'm going to do. I know it'll be hard, which is pretty pathetic if you ask me, but it's something I want and need to do. What are you willing to sacrifice for Him?

That being said, I've decided to post a verse a day from the reading I do. There's always one verse that speaks to me more than any other every time I read. Today, it was 2 Corinthians 12:9-10. Enjoy. :)

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

"You say if I lose my life, it's then I'll find my soul."

So today I wrote my last letter to Zac. It was hard, but I did it. Granted, I'll be seeing him in 4 days, but this is beside the point.

I wrote my last letter to Zac because God told me to. A week ago today, I received a letter from Zac telling me he needed to put our relationship on hold. Of course, I was devastated and confused as to why this was happening. Especially when as of recently our relationship was seeming to grow stronger, and our love for each other expanding. But one of the reasons Zac gave me was this. He needed to focus on God. And while he had grown closer to Him lately, he was not where he needed to be in a good relationship. He still loved me, and missed me, but he really needed to focus on God. Good reason, right?

So I took a week, and I thought about all of this. I still wrote to Zac every night before bed, and I went about my life pretending nothing was wrong. But in my heart I knew that this was something I needed to deal with. I seeked advice from every wise friend I knew. But who I wasn't seeking advice from was the one person who I should've been seeking it from all along: God.

I took an hour or so this morning, went in my room, and locked the door. I lay on my bed with my bible and just spent an hour with God. No distractions. Just me and God. I prayed and then read. I started with the book of Ruth. It's probably one of my very favorite books of the bible. I admire Ruth in so many ways. She is so strong even after everything she goes through. Other than that, I had no idea what else to read. So I simply just flipped through the pages hoping something would stick out to me.

I continued flipping and finally landed on Psalms. I've always loved reading them, and knew that I could probably find some sort of wisdom within those pages. I finally came across Psalm 25. Back in March, I was having some struggles with a "friend" of mine, and had underlined a big part of that Psalm during that time. But that part of the Psalm isn't what stuck out to me right then lying on my bed. What really stuck out to me was the first two verses.

"To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul; in you I trust, O my God."

It was then that I realized what I really need to do is TRUST God. That is never something that has come easy to me. I've never been able to just say "Okay, God. Here is the pen. Write my story. My life is in Your hands, do with it what You will." But today, I came to the realization that I can do that now. Really give it all up to the Lord. I know that God never gives us anything we cannot handle. There's a saying that goes "If God brings you to it, He'll get you through it." And I know now how really honestly true that is.

So after all of this reading and soul searching, I felt so must better. I wrote to Zac and told him of my findings, and that I fully 100% supported us being on hold. I knew then that it was right, and what God wanted us to do, and what we ourselves needed. Before all of this, and even during the past week, I always questioned what God was doing. Even if in my heart I knew that God has a plan for all of us, and doesn't want us to suffer. But what I realized is that God really knows what He doing and I need to trust Him with my life. I need not worry or be scared. I am always in His hands, and I am safe.

"As for God, His way is perfect." Psalm 18:30

He gave me hope when I had none.

I always forget about this, but a friend of mine started a new blog today and it reminded me that I have this one, and even though practically no one reads it, it always makes me feel better to pretend they do and post anyway. :)

A lot has changed, as usual. God has REALLY been working in my life the past 6 and a half weeks. He has given me such peace and such comfort since my boyfriend left for basic training. God has FINALLY granted me the gift of patience after all these years of not having it. But since Zac has been away it has given me a great opportunity to grow more in the Lord on my individually. Every morning I am so excited to get up and read my bible! And every night when I lie my head on my pillow I am so thankful for every blessing the Lord has bestowed upon me.

I always say I'm no good at being alone, but what I never really thought about is that I'm NEVER alone, for my God is always with me! When I'm sad and crying and broken hearted, He's the one whose hands are holding me. He guides me through every situation in my life. Every decision. And even when the whole world is against me, I must remember that He is not, and He is always with me.

I have taken this time away from Zac to really focus on God. Zac was always who I ran to when I was having a bad day or anything. But this physical separation has really let me step back and rely on God for everything. My life is in HIS hands, not mine. It is beyond my control. I write to Zac daily and tell him of my new findings in the Lord, and I am so excited for Zac to finally come home so we can grow in the Lord together as a couple, because I think that's REALLY what our relationship has needed.

I am thankful for this time away from Zac because it has given me so much opportunity to focus on ME. I very rarely ever put myself first before anyone. I'm the one who puts all others above my own wants, needs, and feelings. But lately, I've been focusing on me. And putting myself first. And while that may sound selfish, it's done me a lot of good. And not only has it done me some good, it's also been doing wonderful things for Zac and I's relationship. Physical separation does wonders for the heart, honestly. Of course I miss him, but I wouldn't change any of these last six and a half weeks, even if it meant he never had to leave...

why hello old friend.

It's been forever, hasn't it? Ahh I don't even know how long. A month? Possibly. And it's crazy because so much has changed since I last wrote. I guess that's not SO crazy. Change is bound to happen. It always does. It's part of life. But I am learning to accept change more and more as the days go by and I grow older. I used to hate change. Totally despised it. But it is God's way for us to change and for life to change. And I want what He wants.

But all changes have been good mostly! My boyfriend left two weeks ago for Navy Basic Training, and while that may not seem like a good change because I have to be away from him, it's so far been good. It's good for our relationship. To strengthen it and to help it grow. And it's good for him and for his future. But I am so excited for him to be doing this. And I am so proud of him. He's so mature for having only just turned 18. He's such a good hearted, kind, warm, brave, person. I am so lucky and so blessed to have him! I am sure he is exceeding and doing his absolute best right now. I have yet to hear from him, but can't wait to hear what he's been up to!

I've also started a diet since he's been gone and I've lost 7 pounds so far! :) It's been pretty awesome. It's hard to keep up with it since I've been working like crazy, but it's working nonetheless! I am trying to lose weight before Zac returns home. I made a promise to him and to myself that I would try my very hardest and I am so far. It's hard when your boss works you 25-30 hours a week and you're so tired all the time. Especially trying to fit in time with friends and family as well. And time with God. But that man will wait forever for me. :)

I am so ready for school to start up again simply because I'm bored with my schedule right now. I know I'm going to be just as busy but it'll give me something NEW to do! I might also be taking a second job, so keep your fingers crossed that I won't lose my mind! :)

That's really about it right now. I know absolutely no one reads this, but still. It helps!

almost 48 hours...

And I've only had water to drink. It hasn't been too terrible so far. Minus a tempting mountain dew my boyfriend was drinking as well as my dad actually buying soda and it being in the fridge in the garage. Luckily I slammed the door and ran back in the house before my hand could get away from my control and grab one. I had a headache yesterday, and something tells me I'll be experiencing a lot of those from the lack of caffeine. My body is so used to at least having a little every day. So we'll see. I really hate water unless I'm eating something while drinking it, so as far as just drinking water whenever, that's not working for me.

I've tried to be a little better about what I eat but that's been difficult too. Especially considering our family (or at least my brother and I) have been so busy and we're not all home at once. When we are, it's usually the weekend and no one wants to cook so we end up with fast food. I want to exercise more too but unfortunately right now I've got shin splints and it hurts to do a lot of physical activity. Work has been kicking my butt for that reason, but I've got my shin wrapped so maybe it'll get better soon? I was reading about them on medical websites and most doctors suggest like two weeks of rest while keeping it elevated and iced. Unfortunately I've got school and work, so that's not going to happen. And once school is out, I'm headed to LA shortly after for a mission trip where I'll be on my feet a lot. So good luck keeping me rested. Maybe in late June I'll think about it, ha ha. It's hard to get me to sit still for a few hours let alone two weeks! Not gonna happen, sorry.

So anyway, I'll be sure to keep ya'll updated (does anyone read this?) on my progress with this no soda thing, so we'll see where it takes me. :)

alright, here goes..well...I hope something.

So last night at work, a co-worker of mine's mother told me that she started drinking nothing but water and eating breakfast every single day because she never had before, and she's already lost 3 pounds. So I have taken it upon myself and made a vow that from today until I don't know when, I'm not going to drink soda. If it can make that big of a difference, I think I can afford to give it up for a little while. Even diet soda is not so great for you. While I am addicted to the caffeine and looooove Coke Zero and Diet Mountain Dew, I'm going to give it up. Maybe I should just start getting to bed on time too (ha ha) because apparently a full night's sleep also helps in becoming healthier. I am AWFUL at dieting, so maybe this whole just giving up soda and eating breakfast thing will help. Just maybe. I already had a diet coke today, but that's it. My last one for a while. We'll see how this goes...

time, time, time

Yesterday, I was reading a story for my Intro. To Fiction class. It was about two brothers. Or rather, about one brother attempting to take care of his younger brother who gets busted for drug use. At one point during the story, the older brother has a flashback to a conversation he has with his younger brother (whose name is Sonny by the way) right after their mother dies. (Before their mother died, she asked the older brother to be sure to always watch over Sonny.) So during this conversation, Sonny tells his brother that he wants to be a jazz pianist. The older brother continues to tell him that it's going to take a lot of time to get to the point where he's good enough to play in jazz clubs and to be as good as his favorite jazz musician, Charlie Parker. At this point Sonny says to his older brother three simple words:

"Everything takes time"

And in that moment, it's like my world stopped and everything became so clear. Those words are so simple, but they say SO much. Until the last 9 months, I've been the most impatient person in the entire world. I always wanted things to happen on my time. Not on God's or their own time. When I wanted things to happen, they just had too or it wasn't right. I'd be upset or angry or frustrated. I could never stand waiting. Now, I'm not saying that I like to wait for things to happen. Especially good and exciting things. But I can tolerate it now. I can do it without a single complaint. (Well, almost) I have just come to realize that everything we do in life takes time. It takes 9 months for us to be born. A year or so to learn to walk and talk. 12 years to get through the school we need. Another 4 to get a bachelor's degree and start a career. It takes time to build a relationship. Then you get married and have kids and the whole thing starts all over. Life revolves around time. And really, you HAVE to learn to be patient or you're never going to make it out alive. Then again, death takes time too.

Those three words are what my life is going to be based on from now on. I'm going to leave everything to happen in God's time, because it's all way beyond my control. And sometimes, yes, I forget that. Who doesn't? But when things get frustrating and I'm sick of waiting I'm just going to force myself to remember that everything takes time. Every little moment of your life is based on time. If I just remember that, maybe things in my life will be a lot better from now on...

You know what I realized? There is never enough time. Not enough time to do homework. To spend with family. To spend with a significant other. Not enough time to get everything you need to get done in a day, a week, a month. And when you spend too much time focusing on one thing, other things become less important whether or not you realize it. So how do you rank your priorities? Because something or someone will always be more important than someone or something else. It just seems impossible to have time for everything. You think you can do it, and when it really comes down to it, you just can't. It becomes too emotionally draining.

I don't even really know what to do right now. What or who to put first. I mean first and foremost, there's God. He ranks about everything and everyone. But after that, then what? If you put school before your boyfriend or girlfriend, they get hurt when you don't make time for them, but if you put them before your school work then your school suffers. So what do you do?

struggles.

I'm dealing with a lot of personal struggles right now. I'm struggling with trusting people. I'm struggling with loving people even when they do me wrong. And most of all, I'm struggling with my relationship with God right now. It hasn't been where it should be lately. I don't know. It's like I only turn to Him during the bad times and I don't want to do that. I know that this struggle will only re-strengthen our relationship. Or so I hope. It's almost Easter time and never until this year have I celebrated Easter for what it actually is. I am so excited to go to church Sunday morning. :) And then to go eat lunch with my family. Including my extended family. We haven't done that in so long. I'm not sure anyone but me will be celebrating Easter for what it truly is (okay, my grandparents will be too). Easter this year is so much more to me than pretty dresses, eggs, and a bunny rabbit. It's so much more than chocolate and candy. And that means the world to me. It really, truly does.

So, since it is 'tis the season I am going to take this opportunity for some me and God time. I know this is much needed, and once I fix my struggle with our relationship, maybe my trust and love issues will be fixed too. I know God wants us to love everyone. We don't have to like them, we just have to love them the way He loves us. And that's the hardest thing in the entire world to do. It's like, "what do you mean I have to love this person who cussed me out and pretty much ripped my heart out and stepped on it?!" But it's true. You do have too. Or rather, you should. I suppose the choice is up to you. And before you make that choice you have to realize that this will be the hardest choice you ever make. But I know that this will make everyone a better person. I know it is impossible to live in a world where everyone loves everyone else despite their issues and betrayals, etc. But I'm going to work on it. I've already started, and yes, it's been difficult. I'm one to hold a grudge. I forgive easily but I very rarely forget. I'll bring something up that happen years ago only to discover it still hurts and the pain is still there. I think it's hard to let go of pain. No, I know it's hard to let go of pain. But at some point you've got too, right? If you don't let go you'll never move on. It'll always be there in the back of your mind. I guess sometimes that can be a good thing. It can teach you a lesson. I know plenty of my pain has resulted in lessons that I am VERY thankful for.

Anyway, I rambled as usual. But this whole blogging thing feels good. It's nice to let all of my feelings out. And since I really have no one to talk to, might as well just blog it. Someone'll read it, right?

trust was not meant to be broken.

Sometimes, when I hurt people's feelings because I can't trust them, I always wonder why it is that I can't. But then I remember that all I've ever known my entire life is broken trust. There is only one human being on this entire planet who has ever made a promise to me and NOT broken it.

Things seem to be going so perfectly. And then out of nowhere BAM! Lightning strikes. I know everything was not meant to be perfect all of the time. But can't it just happen for a little while without anything messing it up? I just...I don't even know what to say right now. I'm seriously so angry I could spit, and I mean it this time. I just want to punch a wall. Or someone. And I know I shouldn't be acting this way. Maybe a chat with God is what I need. Right now I'm not even sure who to turn to. Who can I trust anymore? I am so ready to be out on my own with my own place where I don't have to worry about anyone touching my stuff or taking it and I can just be with myself because it seems like I'm the only person I can trust.

I have so much more I could say and rant and rave about, but unfortunately, I am starving and it's time for dinner.

everything's changing.

I am feeling so incredibly liberated today. You wanna know something sad? I'm not really friends with anyone I was friends with in high school. I graduated less than a year ago. Isn't it funny how much things change? People always say "we'll talk all the time, nothing's going too change! we'll still be just as good of friends!" Well let me tell you what. That, my friends, is a load of crap. Seriously. Sure, I still "chat" with some people, but barely anyone makes an effort to talk or hang out with me when we're all on break. I was the only one still hanging on. And that's really sad, ya know. But it's gotten easier lately. But yet it was still hard. And I think I figured out why. My room was covered in pictures of my friends and I in high school, and even a select few I made while at KU. I was constantly looking at those memories. And they all made me sad. Leaving KU was hard because I knew I was leaving some pretty great friends. That was the ONLY thing holding me back. But now those people don't ever talk to me unless I talk to them first. What kind of friendship is that? The same goes for the friends I had in high school. No one really makes an effort to be my friend. So I'm letting all of that go. Today I took down every picture that included someone who wasn't really my friend anymore. And you know what the sad part about that is? The only pictures I had left were of my family, one of my boyfriend, and two with me and my dog in them. But you know what? I don't feel sad about that anymore. People grow up and they change. They move on, make new friends, etc. And honestly, I don't need my life filled with people who just don't give a darn about me. Most of them will tell me they just don't have time to chat very often, they're always busy, etc. But that's a load of crap too. I see these people on Facebook all the time. If you've got time to Facebook, you've got time to say a quick hello to someone or ask how their life has been.

Sorry for all of that. Just something I needed to get off my chest. I feel so much better about everything. My life is going so well now, and while it would be nice for someone to care about that or have someone to share it with, I'm okay. I've got my family, my boyfriend (who also happens to be my best friend), and my puppy. And of course God. And honestly, that's all I need to be happy. :)

I feel like I'm 5 again.

I think I need a chill pill. For real. I'm so angry I could spit right now. Okay, maybe angry isn't the right word. Maybe just frustrated. I dunno. I just wish you could grow up ya know? I wish I could be proud of you and look up to you the way I used too but I can't. There is nothing to be proud of or to look up too. Maybe a few SMALL things, but really, that's about it. I love you so much. But I have no respect for you anymore. You aren't the same person I used to know. Maybe I've changed, maybe you've changed. Who can say for sure? I'm not asking you to change all of your ways. In fact, I'm sure you'll NEVER read this. But at least I'll feel better knowing it's been said. I just want you to grow up. Act your age. Yeah, it's fun to still mess around and play. But are you EVER serious? I can't say that you are because I don't believe that. I know you love your life and I'm sure YOU wouldn't change a thing. But have you thought about how the way you're living is affecting some of us? You're becoming just like him, you know. I don't want to see that happen to you. We were supposed to be better people. Can you honestly say you're doing that? Or are you just lingering in his footsteps? I don't want to see you take that path. I wish you could get some HUGE reality check. I'm praying for you. Big time. I know God will take care of you. I also know you don't believe that whatsoever. But He will. He's always holding you up so you don't fall. Maybe it's just not your time to change. But I sure hope that time is soon.

oh, how things change...

I crack myself up. You wanna know why? Because two days ago I was SO set on Nursing. But I took this whole weekend (or rather, just most of today) to really reflect on my life and what I want to do. I weighed the pros and cons. Nursing would be great, but I'm honestly not sure I could handle it. I'm not so good when it comes to blood or needles and I get pretty squeemish! Plus I know it's a lot of hard work and effort. I'm not saying I can't put forth some hard work or effort, but really, when it comes down to it, I just don't think it's the best option for me.

Now, Psychology has always been an option for me as well. I love Psychology. I love learning about our minds and behaviors and why we do what it is we do. But an Associate's Degree in Psychology won't you get many jobs. So if I want to get a good job with a Psych. degree I'd have to end up transferring to a four year university for my last two years. And honestly, that is not a good idea. I know that for a fact. I hated KU when I went there. (I know it was only one semester, but it was one semester too long!) I hated living in the dorms and sharing a public bathroom and how huge the campus was. KCK is small and 20 minutes from home and I get to sleep in my OWN bed at night and wake up and shower in my OWN shower. I know you have to grow up and move on someday, but right now, that's just not the best option for me.

So that being said, I was pretty much stuck with nothing. Until I remembered how ever since I was a little girl, all I've wanted is to be a teacher. I don't even know why, but something about it just pulls me in! So I was looking at KCK's programs and noticed that they have an Early Childhood Education program. I wouldn't have to go anywhere else at all. I'd still only have an Associate's but you can do a lot more with an Associate's Degree in Early Childhood Education than you can with an Associate's in Psychology!!

This time around, I'm not saying this if official. Because every time THAT happens, it changes! So for now, this is the plan. Stay at home until I finish out the program and then get a job. Who knows, maybe I'll be married by then and won't have to be living under my dad's roof while I'm a grown up. :P

insert clever title here.

Have you ever watched Lost? I'd never watched it until now. We have Seasons 1 and 2 and yesterday I was so bored out of my skull that I just decided to pick it up and watch it. My brother and his friend didn't think I'd like it. Honestly? I'M HOOKED!! I'm only on Disc 3 of the first season but it's SO good. My brother thinks that after the first few seasons I'll give up because it's so confusing. We'll see, but right now I'm loving it! In fact I'm blogging and watching it instead of studying for my math test tomorrow. Teehee. ;)

Today was such a good day. It's finally starting to feel like Spring a little bit! It was still a bit chilly but the sun was shining and it was wonderful. And honestly, even if it'd rained I would've loved it. Spring time is the ONLY time I love rain! Well, and summer too! Just the smell makes me so happy! But anyway, besides the weather, it was just a good day overall. :)

My daddy and I took my dog on a walk earlier, and that was nice too. We've been getting out and walking pretty often, and we decided we're going to make an everyday occurence so long as there is no rain. I'm loving being able to get out and get a little bit of exercise in my day. I wish I had enough motivation to do more than walk, but this'll do for now!

Anyway, I know pretty much no one watches this, but for some reason writing just makes me happy. I've always loved writing! But I better get off and study. Blah!

they say, if you wanna make God laugh then all you gotta do is tell Him your plans.

So it's been forever, huh? So many things get in the way and really, blogging seems like the last thing on my mind! Or ya know, I just totally forgot I even had a blog. Oh how sillly I am.

Things in my life have been going GREAT. God as definitely been rocking my world. Unfortunately I've lost a little sight and not been focusing on Him as much as I should but He definitely keeps letting me know He's here!! How amazing is our God!

School is going really well for once. I thought once I transferred that maybe I would sooner or later regret the change, but I don't! I am so glad I made it. Yeah, it does stink that I lost some friends along the way, but what's really important is that I did what's best for me. And it's definitely paying off. My grades are looking pretty awesome! However, I am still struggling with what to do with my life. That is until today.

Until today I was going to major in Psychology and get my Associate's degree while at KCK, and then transfer to a 4 year university for my last two years in which I would receive my bachelor's degree. However, I've been hearing A LOT lately that I would make a great nurse. So of course, I looked into the program they have for nursing at KCK. If I do that, I won't have to transfer to a four year. I can get my associates at KCK and still work as a nurse. If I had only gotten my associates in Pscyh. there wouldn't be very many jobs you can get with only an associates. And honestly, I don't think going to any other school than KCK is going to be good for me. It's so small and cozy and I love it. It's MUCH like being in high school but I don't know anyone besides a select few, so that's nice. But anyway, I think this fall I am going to take a class to get my CNA. A lot of people keep telling me that working as a CNA is best before totally deciding to go into Nursing. Apparently if I can handle being a CNA, than I can handle being a nurse! So nursing it is OFFICIALLY. I'm so excited to know where I'm going with my life!!

However, if things change, that's okay too. I know God cracks up when He hears our life plans because what He has in mind is probably TOTALLY different. But for right now I feel like God is telling me this is what He wants me to do. I sure hope I'm hearing Him right!

So long, self.

So up until today I've been feeling a little lost. Okay, that's an understatement. I've been feeling COMPLETELY lost. I felt like everything was falling apart. And yes, maybe I was overreacting. (Okay, I probably was. I'm known to do that.) But today, everything felt like it fell back into place. I feel so amazing, so alive!! I've been praying and praying for God to answer my prayers and to fix things in my life, but really, I think it just takes time. I think God just wanted me to realize that He has a plan for me and that I just need to be patient! I need to learn to trust in Him. He gave His life, His son, so that we could live! If He can give up His life, why shouldn't I trust Him with mine?

That's my goal for these next few months as school starts back up and I finish my freshman year as a college student. To trust in Him. He knows what He's doing, so there is NO reason I should doubt him or things in my life. It all happens for a reason! Time heals all wounds, I just need to learn to be patient!!