Friday, April 2, 2010


I'm dealing with a lot of personal struggles right now. I'm struggling with trusting people. I'm struggling with loving people even when they do me wrong. And most of all, I'm struggling with my relationship with God right now. It hasn't been where it should be lately. I don't know. It's like I only turn to Him during the bad times and I don't want to do that. I know that this struggle will only re-strengthen our relationship. Or so I hope. It's almost Easter time and never until this year have I celebrated Easter for what it actually is. I am so excited to go to church Sunday morning. :) And then to go eat lunch with my family. Including my extended family. We haven't done that in so long. I'm not sure anyone but me will be celebrating Easter for what it truly is (okay, my grandparents will be too). Easter this year is so much more to me than pretty dresses, eggs, and a bunny rabbit. It's so much more than chocolate and candy. And that means the world to me. It really, truly does.

So, since it is 'tis the season I am going to take this opportunity for some me and God time. I know this is much needed, and once I fix my struggle with our relationship, maybe my trust and love issues will be fixed too. I know God wants us to love everyone. We don't have to like them, we just have to love them the way He loves us. And that's the hardest thing in the entire world to do. It's like, "what do you mean I have to love this person who cussed me out and pretty much ripped my heart out and stepped on it?!" But it's true. You do have too. Or rather, you should. I suppose the choice is up to you. And before you make that choice you have to realize that this will be the hardest choice you ever make. But I know that this will make everyone a better person. I know it is impossible to live in a world where everyone loves everyone else despite their issues and betrayals, etc. But I'm going to work on it. I've already started, and yes, it's been difficult. I'm one to hold a grudge. I forgive easily but I very rarely forget. I'll bring something up that happen years ago only to discover it still hurts and the pain is still there. I think it's hard to let go of pain. No, I know it's hard to let go of pain. But at some point you've got too, right? If you don't let go you'll never move on. It'll always be there in the back of your mind. I guess sometimes that can be a good thing. It can teach you a lesson. I know plenty of my pain has resulted in lessons that I am VERY thankful for.

Anyway, I rambled as usual. But this whole blogging thing feels good. It's nice to let all of my feelings out. And since I really have no one to talk to, might as well just blog it. Someone'll read it, right?

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