time, time, time

Yesterday, I was reading a story for my Intro. To Fiction class. It was about two brothers. Or rather, about one brother attempting to take care of his younger brother who gets busted for drug use. At one point during the story, the older brother has a flashback to a conversation he has with his younger brother (whose name is Sonny by the way) right after their mother dies. (Before their mother died, she asked the older brother to be sure to always watch over Sonny.) So during this conversation, Sonny tells his brother that he wants to be a jazz pianist. The older brother continues to tell him that it's going to take a lot of time to get to the point where he's good enough to play in jazz clubs and to be as good as his favorite jazz musician, Charlie Parker. At this point Sonny says to his older brother three simple words:

"Everything takes time"

And in that moment, it's like my world stopped and everything became so clear. Those words are so simple, but they say SO much. Until the last 9 months, I've been the most impatient person in the entire world. I always wanted things to happen on my time. Not on God's or their own time. When I wanted things to happen, they just had too or it wasn't right. I'd be upset or angry or frustrated. I could never stand waiting. Now, I'm not saying that I like to wait for things to happen. Especially good and exciting things. But I can tolerate it now. I can do it without a single complaint. (Well, almost) I have just come to realize that everything we do in life takes time. It takes 9 months for us to be born. A year or so to learn to walk and talk. 12 years to get through the school we need. Another 4 to get a bachelor's degree and start a career. It takes time to build a relationship. Then you get married and have kids and the whole thing starts all over. Life revolves around time. And really, you HAVE to learn to be patient or you're never going to make it out alive. Then again, death takes time too.

Those three words are what my life is going to be based on from now on. I'm going to leave everything to happen in God's time, because it's all way beyond my control. And sometimes, yes, I forget that. Who doesn't? But when things get frustrating and I'm sick of waiting I'm just going to force myself to remember that everything takes time. Every little moment of your life is based on time. If I just remember that, maybe things in my life will be a lot better from now on...

You know what I realized? There is never enough time. Not enough time to do homework. To spend with family. To spend with a significant other. Not enough time to get everything you need to get done in a day, a week, a month. And when you spend too much time focusing on one thing, other things become less important whether or not you realize it. So how do you rank your priorities? Because something or someone will always be more important than someone or something else. It just seems impossible to have time for everything. You think you can do it, and when it really comes down to it, you just can't. It becomes too emotionally draining.

I don't even really know what to do right now. What or who to put first. I mean first and foremost, there's God. He ranks about everything and everyone. But after that, then what? If you put school before your boyfriend or girlfriend, they get hurt when you don't make time for them, but if you put them before your school work then your school suffers. So what do you do?

struggles.

I'm dealing with a lot of personal struggles right now. I'm struggling with trusting people. I'm struggling with loving people even when they do me wrong. And most of all, I'm struggling with my relationship with God right now. It hasn't been where it should be lately. I don't know. It's like I only turn to Him during the bad times and I don't want to do that. I know that this struggle will only re-strengthen our relationship. Or so I hope. It's almost Easter time and never until this year have I celebrated Easter for what it actually is. I am so excited to go to church Sunday morning. :) And then to go eat lunch with my family. Including my extended family. We haven't done that in so long. I'm not sure anyone but me will be celebrating Easter for what it truly is (okay, my grandparents will be too). Easter this year is so much more to me than pretty dresses, eggs, and a bunny rabbit. It's so much more than chocolate and candy. And that means the world to me. It really, truly does.

So, since it is 'tis the season I am going to take this opportunity for some me and God time. I know this is much needed, and once I fix my struggle with our relationship, maybe my trust and love issues will be fixed too. I know God wants us to love everyone. We don't have to like them, we just have to love them the way He loves us. And that's the hardest thing in the entire world to do. It's like, "what do you mean I have to love this person who cussed me out and pretty much ripped my heart out and stepped on it?!" But it's true. You do have too. Or rather, you should. I suppose the choice is up to you. And before you make that choice you have to realize that this will be the hardest choice you ever make. But I know that this will make everyone a better person. I know it is impossible to live in a world where everyone loves everyone else despite their issues and betrayals, etc. But I'm going to work on it. I've already started, and yes, it's been difficult. I'm one to hold a grudge. I forgive easily but I very rarely forget. I'll bring something up that happen years ago only to discover it still hurts and the pain is still there. I think it's hard to let go of pain. No, I know it's hard to let go of pain. But at some point you've got too, right? If you don't let go you'll never move on. It'll always be there in the back of your mind. I guess sometimes that can be a good thing. It can teach you a lesson. I know plenty of my pain has resulted in lessons that I am VERY thankful for.

Anyway, I rambled as usual. But this whole blogging thing feels good. It's nice to let all of my feelings out. And since I really have no one to talk to, might as well just blog it. Someone'll read it, right?

trust was not meant to be broken.

Sometimes, when I hurt people's feelings because I can't trust them, I always wonder why it is that I can't. But then I remember that all I've ever known my entire life is broken trust. There is only one human being on this entire planet who has ever made a promise to me and NOT broken it.

Things seem to be going so perfectly. And then out of nowhere BAM! Lightning strikes. I know everything was not meant to be perfect all of the time. But can't it just happen for a little while without anything messing it up? I just...I don't even know what to say right now. I'm seriously so angry I could spit, and I mean it this time. I just want to punch a wall. Or someone. And I know I shouldn't be acting this way. Maybe a chat with God is what I need. Right now I'm not even sure who to turn to. Who can I trust anymore? I am so ready to be out on my own with my own place where I don't have to worry about anyone touching my stuff or taking it and I can just be with myself because it seems like I'm the only person I can trust.

I have so much more I could say and rant and rave about, but unfortunately, I am starving and it's time for dinner.