Monday, August 16, 2010

"You say if I lose my life, it's then I'll find my soul."

So today I wrote my last letter to Zac. It was hard, but I did it. Granted, I'll be seeing him in 4 days, but this is beside the point.

I wrote my last letter to Zac because God told me to. A week ago today, I received a letter from Zac telling me he needed to put our relationship on hold. Of course, I was devastated and confused as to why this was happening. Especially when as of recently our relationship was seeming to grow stronger, and our love for each other expanding. But one of the reasons Zac gave me was this. He needed to focus on God. And while he had grown closer to Him lately, he was not where he needed to be in a good relationship. He still loved me, and missed me, but he really needed to focus on God. Good reason, right?

So I took a week, and I thought about all of this. I still wrote to Zac every night before bed, and I went about my life pretending nothing was wrong. But in my heart I knew that this was something I needed to deal with. I seeked advice from every wise friend I knew. But who I wasn't seeking advice from was the one person who I should've been seeking it from all along: God.

I took an hour or so this morning, went in my room, and locked the door. I lay on my bed with my bible and just spent an hour with God. No distractions. Just me and God. I prayed and then read. I started with the book of Ruth. It's probably one of my very favorite books of the bible. I admire Ruth in so many ways. She is so strong even after everything she goes through. Other than that, I had no idea what else to read. So I simply just flipped through the pages hoping something would stick out to me.

I continued flipping and finally landed on Psalms. I've always loved reading them, and knew that I could probably find some sort of wisdom within those pages. I finally came across Psalm 25. Back in March, I was having some struggles with a "friend" of mine, and had underlined a big part of that Psalm during that time. But that part of the Psalm isn't what stuck out to me right then lying on my bed. What really stuck out to me was the first two verses.

"To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul; in you I trust, O my God."

It was then that I realized what I really need to do is TRUST God. That is never something that has come easy to me. I've never been able to just say "Okay, God. Here is the pen. Write my story. My life is in Your hands, do with it what You will." But today, I came to the realization that I can do that now. Really give it all up to the Lord. I know that God never gives us anything we cannot handle. There's a saying that goes "If God brings you to it, He'll get you through it." And I know now how really honestly true that is.

So after all of this reading and soul searching, I felt so must better. I wrote to Zac and told him of my findings, and that I fully 100% supported us being on hold. I knew then that it was right, and what God wanted us to do, and what we ourselves needed. Before all of this, and even during the past week, I always questioned what God was doing. Even if in my heart I knew that God has a plan for all of us, and doesn't want us to suffer. But what I realized is that God really knows what He doing and I need to trust Him with my life. I need not worry or be scared. I am always in His hands, and I am safe.

"As for God, His way is perfect." Psalm 18:30

Saturday, August 7, 2010

He gave me hope when I had none.

I always forget about this, but a friend of mine started a new blog today and it reminded me that I have this one, and even though practically no one reads it, it always makes me feel better to pretend they do and post anyway. :)

A lot has changed, as usual. God has REALLY been working in my life the past 6 and a half weeks. He has given me such peace and such comfort since my boyfriend left for basic training. God has FINALLY granted me the gift of patience after all these years of not having it. But since Zac has been away it has given me a great opportunity to grow more in the Lord on my individually. Every morning I am so excited to get up and read my bible! And every night when I lie my head on my pillow I am so thankful for every blessing the Lord has bestowed upon me.

I always say I'm no good at being alone, but what I never really thought about is that I'm NEVER alone, for my God is always with me! When I'm sad and crying and broken hearted, He's the one whose hands are holding me. He guides me through every situation in my life. Every decision. And even when the whole world is against me, I must remember that He is not, and He is always with me.

I have taken this time away from Zac to really focus on God. Zac was always who I ran to when I was having a bad day or anything. But this physical separation has really let me step back and rely on God for everything. My life is in HIS hands, not mine. It is beyond my control. I write to Zac daily and tell him of my new findings in the Lord, and I am so excited for Zac to finally come home so we can grow in the Lord together as a couple, because I think that's REALLY what our relationship has needed.

I am thankful for this time away from Zac because it has given me so much opportunity to focus on ME. I very rarely ever put myself first before anyone. I'm the one who puts all others above my own wants, needs, and feelings. But lately, I've been focusing on me. And putting myself first. And while that may sound selfish, it's done me a lot of good. And not only has it done me some good, it's also been doing wonderful things for Zac and I's relationship. Physical separation does wonders for the heart, honestly. Of course I miss him, but I wouldn't change any of these last six and a half weeks, even if it meant he never had to leave...