Sacrifices.

Sometimes I forget just how comforting God's word can be. And it's so wonderful when I decide to pick up my bible and read how at peace I end up feeling. Over the summer, I tried to read every single day. I wouldn't put my head down on my pillow until I felt that I had spent enough time with God. But since school started, and I picked up a second job, God, unfortunately, has taken a back seat. I know, I know. It's awful. God should ALWAYS be in the DRIVER'S seat. I should always be willing to give something up for God. He made the ULTIMATE sacrifice for me, and the least I can do is give up something in my day and spend a little time with Him.

I had coffee with a new friend today and I explained all of this to her. How I knew there was something in my life I needed to give up to make time for the Lord. She told me how once upon a time (not sure if she still does this) she'd want to update her Facebook status but instead, she'd read before she'd let herself get on Facebook. I'm sure all of you know (or maybe you don't, and if you don't props go to you!) how addicting and time-consuming Facebook can be. I'll find myself saying I'm just going to check it really quick, update my status, see who's online, look at pictures, etc. And before I know it, it's a few hours later and I've wasted all this time doing pretty much nothing.

I desire so strongly to do the same thing with my reading and praying and worship. To get so lost in God that before I know it, hours have passed. So giving up Facebook is something I'm going to do. I know it'll be hard, which is pretty pathetic if you ask me, but it's something I want and need to do. What are you willing to sacrifice for Him?

That being said, I've decided to post a verse a day from the reading I do. There's always one verse that speaks to me more than any other every time I read. Today, it was 2 Corinthians 12:9-10. Enjoy. :)

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

"You say if I lose my life, it's then I'll find my soul."

So today I wrote my last letter to Zac. It was hard, but I did it. Granted, I'll be seeing him in 4 days, but this is beside the point.

I wrote my last letter to Zac because God told me to. A week ago today, I received a letter from Zac telling me he needed to put our relationship on hold. Of course, I was devastated and confused as to why this was happening. Especially when as of recently our relationship was seeming to grow stronger, and our love for each other expanding. But one of the reasons Zac gave me was this. He needed to focus on God. And while he had grown closer to Him lately, he was not where he needed to be in a good relationship. He still loved me, and missed me, but he really needed to focus on God. Good reason, right?

So I took a week, and I thought about all of this. I still wrote to Zac every night before bed, and I went about my life pretending nothing was wrong. But in my heart I knew that this was something I needed to deal with. I seeked advice from every wise friend I knew. But who I wasn't seeking advice from was the one person who I should've been seeking it from all along: God.

I took an hour or so this morning, went in my room, and locked the door. I lay on my bed with my bible and just spent an hour with God. No distractions. Just me and God. I prayed and then read. I started with the book of Ruth. It's probably one of my very favorite books of the bible. I admire Ruth in so many ways. She is so strong even after everything she goes through. Other than that, I had no idea what else to read. So I simply just flipped through the pages hoping something would stick out to me.

I continued flipping and finally landed on Psalms. I've always loved reading them, and knew that I could probably find some sort of wisdom within those pages. I finally came across Psalm 25. Back in March, I was having some struggles with a "friend" of mine, and had underlined a big part of that Psalm during that time. But that part of the Psalm isn't what stuck out to me right then lying on my bed. What really stuck out to me was the first two verses.

"To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul; in you I trust, O my God."

It was then that I realized what I really need to do is TRUST God. That is never something that has come easy to me. I've never been able to just say "Okay, God. Here is the pen. Write my story. My life is in Your hands, do with it what You will." But today, I came to the realization that I can do that now. Really give it all up to the Lord. I know that God never gives us anything we cannot handle. There's a saying that goes "If God brings you to it, He'll get you through it." And I know now how really honestly true that is.

So after all of this reading and soul searching, I felt so must better. I wrote to Zac and told him of my findings, and that I fully 100% supported us being on hold. I knew then that it was right, and what God wanted us to do, and what we ourselves needed. Before all of this, and even during the past week, I always questioned what God was doing. Even if in my heart I knew that God has a plan for all of us, and doesn't want us to suffer. But what I realized is that God really knows what He doing and I need to trust Him with my life. I need not worry or be scared. I am always in His hands, and I am safe.

"As for God, His way is perfect." Psalm 18:30

He gave me hope when I had none.

I always forget about this, but a friend of mine started a new blog today and it reminded me that I have this one, and even though practically no one reads it, it always makes me feel better to pretend they do and post anyway. :)

A lot has changed, as usual. God has REALLY been working in my life the past 6 and a half weeks. He has given me such peace and such comfort since my boyfriend left for basic training. God has FINALLY granted me the gift of patience after all these years of not having it. But since Zac has been away it has given me a great opportunity to grow more in the Lord on my individually. Every morning I am so excited to get up and read my bible! And every night when I lie my head on my pillow I am so thankful for every blessing the Lord has bestowed upon me.

I always say I'm no good at being alone, but what I never really thought about is that I'm NEVER alone, for my God is always with me! When I'm sad and crying and broken hearted, He's the one whose hands are holding me. He guides me through every situation in my life. Every decision. And even when the whole world is against me, I must remember that He is not, and He is always with me.

I have taken this time away from Zac to really focus on God. Zac was always who I ran to when I was having a bad day or anything. But this physical separation has really let me step back and rely on God for everything. My life is in HIS hands, not mine. It is beyond my control. I write to Zac daily and tell him of my new findings in the Lord, and I am so excited for Zac to finally come home so we can grow in the Lord together as a couple, because I think that's REALLY what our relationship has needed.

I am thankful for this time away from Zac because it has given me so much opportunity to focus on ME. I very rarely ever put myself first before anyone. I'm the one who puts all others above my own wants, needs, and feelings. But lately, I've been focusing on me. And putting myself first. And while that may sound selfish, it's done me a lot of good. And not only has it done me some good, it's also been doing wonderful things for Zac and I's relationship. Physical separation does wonders for the heart, honestly. Of course I miss him, but I wouldn't change any of these last six and a half weeks, even if it meant he never had to leave...

why hello old friend.

It's been forever, hasn't it? Ahh I don't even know how long. A month? Possibly. And it's crazy because so much has changed since I last wrote. I guess that's not SO crazy. Change is bound to happen. It always does. It's part of life. But I am learning to accept change more and more as the days go by and I grow older. I used to hate change. Totally despised it. But it is God's way for us to change and for life to change. And I want what He wants.

But all changes have been good mostly! My boyfriend left two weeks ago for Navy Basic Training, and while that may not seem like a good change because I have to be away from him, it's so far been good. It's good for our relationship. To strengthen it and to help it grow. And it's good for him and for his future. But I am so excited for him to be doing this. And I am so proud of him. He's so mature for having only just turned 18. He's such a good hearted, kind, warm, brave, person. I am so lucky and so blessed to have him! I am sure he is exceeding and doing his absolute best right now. I have yet to hear from him, but can't wait to hear what he's been up to!

I've also started a diet since he's been gone and I've lost 7 pounds so far! :) It's been pretty awesome. It's hard to keep up with it since I've been working like crazy, but it's working nonetheless! I am trying to lose weight before Zac returns home. I made a promise to him and to myself that I would try my very hardest and I am so far. It's hard when your boss works you 25-30 hours a week and you're so tired all the time. Especially trying to fit in time with friends and family as well. And time with God. But that man will wait forever for me. :)

I am so ready for school to start up again simply because I'm bored with my schedule right now. I know I'm going to be just as busy but it'll give me something NEW to do! I might also be taking a second job, so keep your fingers crossed that I won't lose my mind! :)

That's really about it right now. I know absolutely no one reads this, but still. It helps!

almost 48 hours...

And I've only had water to drink. It hasn't been too terrible so far. Minus a tempting mountain dew my boyfriend was drinking as well as my dad actually buying soda and it being in the fridge in the garage. Luckily I slammed the door and ran back in the house before my hand could get away from my control and grab one. I had a headache yesterday, and something tells me I'll be experiencing a lot of those from the lack of caffeine. My body is so used to at least having a little every day. So we'll see. I really hate water unless I'm eating something while drinking it, so as far as just drinking water whenever, that's not working for me.

I've tried to be a little better about what I eat but that's been difficult too. Especially considering our family (or at least my brother and I) have been so busy and we're not all home at once. When we are, it's usually the weekend and no one wants to cook so we end up with fast food. I want to exercise more too but unfortunately right now I've got shin splints and it hurts to do a lot of physical activity. Work has been kicking my butt for that reason, but I've got my shin wrapped so maybe it'll get better soon? I was reading about them on medical websites and most doctors suggest like two weeks of rest while keeping it elevated and iced. Unfortunately I've got school and work, so that's not going to happen. And once school is out, I'm headed to LA shortly after for a mission trip where I'll be on my feet a lot. So good luck keeping me rested. Maybe in late June I'll think about it, ha ha. It's hard to get me to sit still for a few hours let alone two weeks! Not gonna happen, sorry.

So anyway, I'll be sure to keep ya'll updated (does anyone read this?) on my progress with this no soda thing, so we'll see where it takes me. :)

alright, here goes..well...I hope something.

So last night at work, a co-worker of mine's mother told me that she started drinking nothing but water and eating breakfast every single day because she never had before, and she's already lost 3 pounds. So I have taken it upon myself and made a vow that from today until I don't know when, I'm not going to drink soda. If it can make that big of a difference, I think I can afford to give it up for a little while. Even diet soda is not so great for you. While I am addicted to the caffeine and looooove Coke Zero and Diet Mountain Dew, I'm going to give it up. Maybe I should just start getting to bed on time too (ha ha) because apparently a full night's sleep also helps in becoming healthier. I am AWFUL at dieting, so maybe this whole just giving up soda and eating breakfast thing will help. Just maybe. I already had a diet coke today, but that's it. My last one for a while. We'll see how this goes...

time, time, time

Yesterday, I was reading a story for my Intro. To Fiction class. It was about two brothers. Or rather, about one brother attempting to take care of his younger brother who gets busted for drug use. At one point during the story, the older brother has a flashback to a conversation he has with his younger brother (whose name is Sonny by the way) right after their mother dies. (Before their mother died, she asked the older brother to be sure to always watch over Sonny.) So during this conversation, Sonny tells his brother that he wants to be a jazz pianist. The older brother continues to tell him that it's going to take a lot of time to get to the point where he's good enough to play in jazz clubs and to be as good as his favorite jazz musician, Charlie Parker. At this point Sonny says to his older brother three simple words:

"Everything takes time"

And in that moment, it's like my world stopped and everything became so clear. Those words are so simple, but they say SO much. Until the last 9 months, I've been the most impatient person in the entire world. I always wanted things to happen on my time. Not on God's or their own time. When I wanted things to happen, they just had too or it wasn't right. I'd be upset or angry or frustrated. I could never stand waiting. Now, I'm not saying that I like to wait for things to happen. Especially good and exciting things. But I can tolerate it now. I can do it without a single complaint. (Well, almost) I have just come to realize that everything we do in life takes time. It takes 9 months for us to be born. A year or so to learn to walk and talk. 12 years to get through the school we need. Another 4 to get a bachelor's degree and start a career. It takes time to build a relationship. Then you get married and have kids and the whole thing starts all over. Life revolves around time. And really, you HAVE to learn to be patient or you're never going to make it out alive. Then again, death takes time too.

Those three words are what my life is going to be based on from now on. I'm going to leave everything to happen in God's time, because it's all way beyond my control. And sometimes, yes, I forget that. Who doesn't? But when things get frustrating and I'm sick of waiting I'm just going to force myself to remember that everything takes time. Every little moment of your life is based on time. If I just remember that, maybe things in my life will be a lot better from now on...