1 Corinthians 13

I haven't written in about 10 months. Isn't that crazy? So much has changed in 10 months that I wouldn't even begin to know where to start and how to fill the blogosphere in on all that has happened in my life. So instead, I'll just tell you the two most important things going on in my life right now.

1. I am currently in the last two semesters of the Early Childhood Education program at KCKCC. I'm finding it so hard to believe that in less than a year I'll have a degree. I mean really, I'm only 20 (almost 21). Graduating college with a degree seems bizarre to me. I remember being in high school and thinking I'd never get to this point- that it would take forever. I'll have been out of high school for 3 years next May, and I can hardly believe that either. I'm feeling more like an adult every day that passes. I know I've legally been an adult for almost 3 years now, but I honestly don't believe I became the adult I am now until recently

I can't even express how excited I am to begin teaching once I graduate. I'm required to do an internship next semester, and even though I'll be putting in a lot of hours for free, I'm so excited to begin doing what I've come to love. I must admit when I first entered the ECE program, it was because I thought it would be a fast and easy road to a degree. I was right about it happening fast; the last 2.5 years have FLOWN by. In fact, when my advisor/head of my program told me last spring that I could graduate in May 2012, I was shocked! My jaw may have literally dropped. But what I was wrong about was it being easy. It's been a rough, but enjoyable, road. The classes and projects have been incredibly challenging and have pushed me to my limit several times. But what happened in the process of all of the classes was that I fell in love with Early Childhood Education. I gained a passion for teaching young children; for being the one to give these children an education that will be the foundation for the rest of their school years. Those first few years are SO important!

2. I'M GETTING MARRIED.

Can you tell I'm excited? I never thought I'd be at this point in my life. I wondered for years and years when I'd find that guy. I spent my high school years dreaming of the day I'd get engaged and could start planning my wedding. And when I met Michael last September, I had no idea he'd be the one I'd spend the rest of my life with. We started out as co-workers, which turned into a friendship. We spent hours sitting in my car just talking about life; we were both struggling with a lot when we formed a friendship. I had just had my heart broken by someone I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I thought that was the plan God had for my life. But looking back now, I realize that I wasn't listening to God's plan. I was making my own plan and assuming it was God's. I had never asked God if my ex was the one for me. When he left me, I thought I'd never get past it, even with God's help. And I must admit that I gave up on God for quite some time. (sidenote: I've never understood why people say they "found" God, because God is not the one who is lost. He is always waiting for you to come back to Him, where He's waiting with open arms.)

When I lost my faith in God, I lost everything pretty much. I struggled in school, at work, and stopped talking to a lot of my friends. Most importantly, I stopped being the daughter/granddaughter/sister I had always been to my family. I stopped caring about anything and everything. But Michael never gave up on me. He helped me to get through my heartache, and in the process, I fell in love with him. I can remember the exact moment I realized I was in love with him. At this point, we were still just friends. Friends who spent A LOT of time together; we were together almost everyday. We watched movies, held hands, and spent a lot of hours laughing, But we were still just friends. We had gone for a walk and ended up deep in the woods, and stumbled upon a train track. There was a train car that was standing alone, and Michael thought it would be fun to climb up into it and mess around, so we did. A few minutes later, we heard a train coming (there were two sets of tracks running parallel to each other). When the train started rushing past us, we were so close to it. We sat on the edge of the train car and just watched. I felt such a rush of freedom and happiness. I hadn't felt that way in months. I closed my eyes and felt the rush of air engulfing us. I looked over at Michael and we just started laughing and smiling. At that moment, I fell in love with him. I don't know why it happened at that moment, but it did. The problem was that Michael didn't love me back. Michael didn't even have feelings for me back- we were just friends.

Obviously that all changed. Somehow, Michael fell in love with me too. And 8 months later, he asked me to become his wife. When he proposed to me, there was no doubt in my mind that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Michael was my saving grace, and I strongly believe that God put us through all the tough stuff in our life so that we could find each other someday. Michael helped restore my faith in God and bring me back to life. He's my angel.

God knew all along what it was I needed after my ex left me. But I wouldn't listen to Him. I wouldn't turn to Him to help fix me. I gave up on God, but what I didn't realize is that God NEVER gave up on me. He knew I was angry with Him, so He sent me Michael. Michael was my saving grace. And he still is.

I have a tattoo on my arm that reads "love never fails." It's from my favorite bible verse. When I got this tattoo, I was with my ex. I thought what we had was love. That I would never stop loving him. But what I realize when I look at my tattoo is that real love never fails. If the so called love I had for my ex failed, then it wasn't real love to begin with. Yes, I cared about him tremendously. And he did break my heart. But the person who put my heart back together...he's the only one I will ever love for the rest of my life. He's my real love. And I know that God will not let Michael and I's love fail.

Epic. Fail.

Okay, so I haven't QUITE reached the point of epic failure, that may be a bit dramatic. Or a lot dramatic, who cares. Point of this post? I don't have TIME or ENERGY to read enough. So I'm saying screw goals. I'm just going to read to make myself happy. At my own pace and whatever the heck I feel like reading. I knew there was a reason I didn't make new year's resolutions. I get the motivation and the momentum to do them for a few days but then I just lose all hope. Working 20+ hours a week and going to college full time added with a boyfriend who you don't see too often makes for a very busy schedule. I'm lucky if I get time enough to BREATHE.

On another note, I'm starting this little experiment. Okay, it's not really an experiment per say, but it's just something I feel like doing. For the next week or so, I'm not going to wear any make up. I'm doing this for several reasons. A. It's a pain in my butt to put on in the morning B. It's a pain in the butt to keep on throughout the entire day C. When I don't keep it up I end up looking like a raccoon and (of course) no one tells me that D. I need to learn to love myself without having to change myself and E. I'm just plain sick of it. I don't know how girls keep up their looks every single day. It's exhausting. And maybe that's just because I'm so busy as it is that the 5-10 minutes it takes to fix my hair and make up feel like an eternity. I could be using those extra minutes to sleep or eat something. (Being so busy makes me forget to eat sometimes). I was telling my dad the other day that wearing jeans and a hoodie with no make up felt AMAZING and I didn't understand how girls could look good every single day of the week. Of course there are girls who don't have to make an effort, and I wish I felt like I was one of those girls. So maybe that's what this is about. But I'll keep you (whoever you are) updated on how long this lasts before I can hardly stand to look at myself anymore.

I don't read enough.

I don't read enough.

After cleaning my room tonight, I sat down on my bed and turned my head to the right, towards my bookshelf. Or rather, book corner. The books I own have officially overflowed my bookshelf. Some are packed in crates while others sit on the floor. I was browsing the book corner when I realized that half the books I own have never been read. Or read by me, rather. I picked them up on random trips to the bookstore my high school friends and I used to take (yes, we were THOSE kids who went to the bookstore on weekends rather than to a cool happening party), vacations with family that were so boring I had to go buy a new book, or vacations that weren’t so boring but a little light reading couldn’t hurt. I’d gotten some as gifts, bought them for 5 cents at a school book sale, or had borrowed some of them from my grandmother and never returned. I grabbed a half-empty notebook (I have a tendency to buy notebooks, use them for a little while, and lose them) and a pen and decided to jot down all the books I haven’t read but yet own anyway. The end result? 50. I own 50 books that I have never read. Does anyone see something wrong with this? You know what I see wrong? Two things.

A. I have a book shopping addiction that must be fed regularly, even if it means owning 50 books I’ve never read.

and

B. I don’t read enough. I go through these little phases where I read and read and then life happens and I work all the time and have school work and get distracted by my boyfriend or friends or family and I don’t read for a long time.

Are there solutions to these two problems? Yes. I can stop buying books until all 50 of the ones I already own are read. And. I can read more often. Set aside a little time each day to read. And maybe, just maybe, by the end of this upcoming spring semester I’ll have read them all. But who am I kidding? 5 months to read 50 books? Sure, that seems doable. If you have no life and can sit at home day after day reading. Unfortunately, I work for a living. And I go to school full time. Add those things together, throw in a boyfriend, a best friend, family, and a dog who all require your time, and you’re pretty much screwed. But I sure as hell am going to try. I’m not going to punish myself if in 5 months from now I haven’t read close to 50 books. I’ll simply extend my goal through summer, and if that doesn’t work out, who cares. What I am going to make myself do is stop buying books until all of these are read. Hopefully I can convince myself that this is a wise choice when I’m near a book store…

So, my journey began tonight with a book called Let Me In. You’ve probably heard of the movie. This is the book it’s based on. I remember buying this one at Wal-Mart only a few weeks ago, actually. I was Christmas shopping for my family and of course couldn’t make it out of the store without buying something for myself too. The verdict on this one? So far, so good. Only 28 pages in and it’s already captivating. Wish me luck…

Sacrifices.

Sometimes I forget just how comforting God's word can be. And it's so wonderful when I decide to pick up my bible and read how at peace I end up feeling. Over the summer, I tried to read every single day. I wouldn't put my head down on my pillow until I felt that I had spent enough time with God. But since school started, and I picked up a second job, God, unfortunately, has taken a back seat. I know, I know. It's awful. God should ALWAYS be in the DRIVER'S seat. I should always be willing to give something up for God. He made the ULTIMATE sacrifice for me, and the least I can do is give up something in my day and spend a little time with Him.

I had coffee with a new friend today and I explained all of this to her. How I knew there was something in my life I needed to give up to make time for the Lord. She told me how once upon a time (not sure if she still does this) she'd want to update her Facebook status but instead, she'd read before she'd let herself get on Facebook. I'm sure all of you know (or maybe you don't, and if you don't props go to you!) how addicting and time-consuming Facebook can be. I'll find myself saying I'm just going to check it really quick, update my status, see who's online, look at pictures, etc. And before I know it, it's a few hours later and I've wasted all this time doing pretty much nothing.

I desire so strongly to do the same thing with my reading and praying and worship. To get so lost in God that before I know it, hours have passed. So giving up Facebook is something I'm going to do. I know it'll be hard, which is pretty pathetic if you ask me, but it's something I want and need to do. What are you willing to sacrifice for Him?

That being said, I've decided to post a verse a day from the reading I do. There's always one verse that speaks to me more than any other every time I read. Today, it was 2 Corinthians 12:9-10. Enjoy. :)

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

"You say if I lose my life, it's then I'll find my soul."

So today I wrote my last letter to Zac. It was hard, but I did it. Granted, I'll be seeing him in 4 days, but this is beside the point.

I wrote my last letter to Zac because God told me to. A week ago today, I received a letter from Zac telling me he needed to put our relationship on hold. Of course, I was devastated and confused as to why this was happening. Especially when as of recently our relationship was seeming to grow stronger, and our love for each other expanding. But one of the reasons Zac gave me was this. He needed to focus on God. And while he had grown closer to Him lately, he was not where he needed to be in a good relationship. He still loved me, and missed me, but he really needed to focus on God. Good reason, right?

So I took a week, and I thought about all of this. I still wrote to Zac every night before bed, and I went about my life pretending nothing was wrong. But in my heart I knew that this was something I needed to deal with. I seeked advice from every wise friend I knew. But who I wasn't seeking advice from was the one person who I should've been seeking it from all along: God.

I took an hour or so this morning, went in my room, and locked the door. I lay on my bed with my bible and just spent an hour with God. No distractions. Just me and God. I prayed and then read. I started with the book of Ruth. It's probably one of my very favorite books of the bible. I admire Ruth in so many ways. She is so strong even after everything she goes through. Other than that, I had no idea what else to read. So I simply just flipped through the pages hoping something would stick out to me.

I continued flipping and finally landed on Psalms. I've always loved reading them, and knew that I could probably find some sort of wisdom within those pages. I finally came across Psalm 25. Back in March, I was having some struggles with a "friend" of mine, and had underlined a big part of that Psalm during that time. But that part of the Psalm isn't what stuck out to me right then lying on my bed. What really stuck out to me was the first two verses.

"To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul; in you I trust, O my God."

It was then that I realized what I really need to do is TRUST God. That is never something that has come easy to me. I've never been able to just say "Okay, God. Here is the pen. Write my story. My life is in Your hands, do with it what You will." But today, I came to the realization that I can do that now. Really give it all up to the Lord. I know that God never gives us anything we cannot handle. There's a saying that goes "If God brings you to it, He'll get you through it." And I know now how really honestly true that is.

So after all of this reading and soul searching, I felt so must better. I wrote to Zac and told him of my findings, and that I fully 100% supported us being on hold. I knew then that it was right, and what God wanted us to do, and what we ourselves needed. Before all of this, and even during the past week, I always questioned what God was doing. Even if in my heart I knew that God has a plan for all of us, and doesn't want us to suffer. But what I realized is that God really knows what He doing and I need to trust Him with my life. I need not worry or be scared. I am always in His hands, and I am safe.

"As for God, His way is perfect." Psalm 18:30

He gave me hope when I had none.

I always forget about this, but a friend of mine started a new blog today and it reminded me that I have this one, and even though practically no one reads it, it always makes me feel better to pretend they do and post anyway. :)

A lot has changed, as usual. God has REALLY been working in my life the past 6 and a half weeks. He has given me such peace and such comfort since my boyfriend left for basic training. God has FINALLY granted me the gift of patience after all these years of not having it. But since Zac has been away it has given me a great opportunity to grow more in the Lord on my individually. Every morning I am so excited to get up and read my bible! And every night when I lie my head on my pillow I am so thankful for every blessing the Lord has bestowed upon me.

I always say I'm no good at being alone, but what I never really thought about is that I'm NEVER alone, for my God is always with me! When I'm sad and crying and broken hearted, He's the one whose hands are holding me. He guides me through every situation in my life. Every decision. And even when the whole world is against me, I must remember that He is not, and He is always with me.

I have taken this time away from Zac to really focus on God. Zac was always who I ran to when I was having a bad day or anything. But this physical separation has really let me step back and rely on God for everything. My life is in HIS hands, not mine. It is beyond my control. I write to Zac daily and tell him of my new findings in the Lord, and I am so excited for Zac to finally come home so we can grow in the Lord together as a couple, because I think that's REALLY what our relationship has needed.

I am thankful for this time away from Zac because it has given me so much opportunity to focus on ME. I very rarely ever put myself first before anyone. I'm the one who puts all others above my own wants, needs, and feelings. But lately, I've been focusing on me. And putting myself first. And while that may sound selfish, it's done me a lot of good. And not only has it done me some good, it's also been doing wonderful things for Zac and I's relationship. Physical separation does wonders for the heart, honestly. Of course I miss him, but I wouldn't change any of these last six and a half weeks, even if it meant he never had to leave...

why hello old friend.

It's been forever, hasn't it? Ahh I don't even know how long. A month? Possibly. And it's crazy because so much has changed since I last wrote. I guess that's not SO crazy. Change is bound to happen. It always does. It's part of life. But I am learning to accept change more and more as the days go by and I grow older. I used to hate change. Totally despised it. But it is God's way for us to change and for life to change. And I want what He wants.

But all changes have been good mostly! My boyfriend left two weeks ago for Navy Basic Training, and while that may not seem like a good change because I have to be away from him, it's so far been good. It's good for our relationship. To strengthen it and to help it grow. And it's good for him and for his future. But I am so excited for him to be doing this. And I am so proud of him. He's so mature for having only just turned 18. He's such a good hearted, kind, warm, brave, person. I am so lucky and so blessed to have him! I am sure he is exceeding and doing his absolute best right now. I have yet to hear from him, but can't wait to hear what he's been up to!

I've also started a diet since he's been gone and I've lost 7 pounds so far! :) It's been pretty awesome. It's hard to keep up with it since I've been working like crazy, but it's working nonetheless! I am trying to lose weight before Zac returns home. I made a promise to him and to myself that I would try my very hardest and I am so far. It's hard when your boss works you 25-30 hours a week and you're so tired all the time. Especially trying to fit in time with friends and family as well. And time with God. But that man will wait forever for me. :)

I am so ready for school to start up again simply because I'm bored with my schedule right now. I know I'm going to be just as busy but it'll give me something NEW to do! I might also be taking a second job, so keep your fingers crossed that I won't lose my mind! :)

That's really about it right now. I know absolutely no one reads this, but still. It helps!